America doesn’t need zombies

There is a lot of confusion about my new book. Many people are telling me that they are bored to death with zombies, that the zombie genre has been done to death, and that there is just no way to breathe new life into the zombie story. I agree. That is not what There are No Zombies in America is about. This book is far scarier than zombies. This book is about Americans.

The basic idea of the book is that there is a zombie apocalypse is all other continents, but there are no zombies in America, hence the title. Now think about that for a second. What fractions of Americans would you hear about? The average American would likely hear the news and worry, maybe even donate to a cause that will help in one way or another, but those are not the ones you will hear about. There are eight groups.

  1. World Leaders: Since the book was written right after the election, or rather in response to it, Trump is at the forefront of much of what happens. He is not a character in my book, but his policies on zombie prevention are discussed at length.

  1. Conspiracy Theorists: Where there are world events there are conspiracy theories. And somehow these fruitcakes still manage to get their voices heard.

  1. Religious Wack-jobs: In my heathen eyes, they are the same as conspiracy theorists only not as up to date. Religious Wack-jobs are as American as Scientology and Mormonism. But we all know who the most dangerous of all wack-jobs are, the ones that get heard from the most: Christians. And never forget this: Jesus was a zombie.

  1. Militias: A well-armed militia is the only thing that separates America from the civilized world. You know damn well that if zombies were reported as true then we would see the neighborhood watch transform into the neighborhood trigger happy militia.

  1. Authority: By authority I mean all the different forms that work together to create the police state. I’m talking Cops, Coast Guard, USPS Postal Inspectors, Secret Service, FBI, CIA, LMNOP… Wherever there is trouble they are there, hopefully helping, but…

  1. Media: of course they are going to be the loudest of all, but if Trump fed the media false stories about zombies, what would happen? What would happen if Trump loudly declared that “There are no zombies in America!” How would that get spun?

  1. Zombie Survivalists: I truly believe that more homes in America have a zombie survival strategy than have a fire survival strategy. And every nut would come out of its shell to share their strategy.

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  1. Rationalists: Rational thinking people that put themselves out there are often the last to be heard and usually not understood until after they are dead.

These are the driving forces of my book. As for zombies, THERE ARE NO ZOMBIES IN AMERICA! How many times must I say it?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0744H1SBP

 

 

 

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Still no Zombies

My new book is out and getting some great feedback. Right now, I really want to just get it out there more. I want to get this book in as many hands as possible. I just don’t know how to do it. I’m not a marketing guru and I certainly not a salesman. Hell, I’m an awkward glance away from being a recluse, three inches of beard away from being a hermit. So how should I go about getting this book out there?

I’ve decided a teaser is in order. The segment below is from chapter 1 It is where I introduce Angel, perhaps my favorite character I’ve ever written about.

 

So Dustin, after Israel fell and the virus spread (we call it a virus, everyone does, but the general public has no clue what it is. I am a part of the clueless general public.) said to me, “We need to start preparing to protect ourselves. We need to be ready for it when it hits state side.”

I agreed whole heartedly and got up to get another Grande Skinny Caramel Macchiato with soy. When I returned, Dustin was gone. Angle was sitting where he had been. Angle is a sweet girl, but not a girl I or anybody had ever been sweet on, if you know what I mean. She is a Chinese American. Her face is Chinese (these are her words, her joke, not mine. I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t how she described herself.), but her body was all American. Angle wasn’t round; she was a rhombus cube, like an eight-sided D&D dice. She often described herself as the square peg. Her real name was Angela, but she got the nickname Angle back when we were in college. I was pursuing a history degree, Dustin was pursuing media communications, and Angle was pursuing teaching and became a geometry teacher at a nearby high school. Now Angle has two meanings. Go figure. Irony was so much better before the zombies. Now nobody takes time to appreciate the ironic.

“Nobody takes time to appreciate the ironic anymore,” I said.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Angle can’t curse at the school, so for the first hour after arriving at the coffee shop, she is a vulgarian to make Eddie Murphy blush.

“I just told the barista that my name was Bob Upperton.”

Angle looked at me like I was dachshund pissing on her pillow. “What the fuck does that mean? Are you fucking retarded? That’s not even irony, you brainless cow fucker.” None of this was said with any malice or with any desire to offend. That’s just Angle’s way after school. She really is a sweet person.

“So how was your day?”

“Like being stuck in a colostomy bag with Gilbert Godfrey.”

 

That should give you a feel for the kind of story it is. Thank you for reading.

Robert Holt

Book Review: The Monk by Matthew Lewis

 

The Monk is widely regarded as one of the greatest horror novels ever. I don’t think it lived up to its reputation. I think the book shocked people back when it was written because people didn’t speak ill of monks and priests. Priests were revered as holy men. Since that time, priests have fallen from societies graces. I would sooner trust my daughter in the hands of your average beggar than with a priest (an un-average beggar). Starting the book with a view that most priests are sexual predators at the worst and sexual deviants at the best, I didn’t see anything shocking in the slightest in the entire book. I would say, if you own the book and don’t want to dredge through the entire thing, read the last 25 pages. It is the most action in the whole book and really a great ending.

The thing that struck me most was the way the book is told. The drum that is beat loudest in creative writing circles is to always show the story, not tell it. Lewis basically runs the gambit of he said-she said for the whole of the book. Styles change, and perhaps when it was written it was the style of the day, but it was a poor example of a well written book in today’s terms.

Book Review: Reduced by Robin Tidwell

So I am trying to get back to the book reviews, since I enjoy reading back and remembering how I felt about them. I wanted to talk about a book titled Reduced by a fellow St. Louis author, Robin Tidwell. I have to say, I didn’t love this book. I really wanted to love this book because it had a lot of really cool features. The books leading characters are all bad-ass, strong women. The structure of surviving the apocalypse was presented in a fun fashion that really drove the story forward in a fresh way. And I found the first half to be truly amazing. That’s when it took a political turn. The book framed the apocalypse to be liberalism run rampant. As a man that refuses to define himself as a Democrat because I am far to the left of the do-nothing party, I found Tidwell’s conclusions to be ridiculous, ill-informed, and quite silly.

I really don’t have a problem reading fiction from a perspective that differs from mine, but it still must keep me in the story. Just as any time-travel story written by an author that doesn’t understand Relativity (most of them) will lose me, Tidwell lost me by writing a story about liberal mindsets without understanding liberal mindsets. The end result was that my suspension of disbelief was shattered and I found myself arguing with the book rather than enjoying it.

With that said, conservatives may find this book to be just the one they have been looking for.

I read this book almost a year ago. I never posted the review because I didn’t want to hurt the author, as she is really a wonderful person that I respect. I recently wrote a book, There are No Zombies in America, that is perhaps just as guilty of the same things I criticize Tidwell of, but from the other side of the spectrum. I realized I would be delighted if someone wrote a review of mine in this manner. So I am posting this review, and only hope Robin will forgive me.

 

Book Review Across the Ocean

I just finished reading a fantastic book by a new writer on the rise, Hawa L Crickmore’s Across the Ocean. This book was unlike most books that I read in that it was serious. It took itself serious. The content was serious. Even the writing style was serious. It was quite different than most fiction that I read which is always a bit tongue and cheek in its delivery. I have often said that horror writers are all comedians, but we are the only ones that get the joke. Not that I only read horror of course, but even most serious literature that I read, and Across the Ocean is certainly serious literature, is still playful in the delivery. Part of me wants to contribute the seriousness of the book to a failure or inexperience on the part of Crickmore, but I may be wrong. Perhaps the subject matter just doesn’t lend itself to a playful attitude. Regardless, the stories seriousness made it a quicker read and one that worked on multiple levels.

The story of the book is a very interesting one. A white British cage fighter comes down with a rare illness that requires a bone marrow transplant from a family member, the only problem is that he was an only child and is orphaned. Dumb luck was in his favor when a new friend, an African American, tested to be a match for donation. This wonderful, lifesaving rarity does not come without questions.

Research is then done to try to find if the pair were related. The book then moves through time to different countries and different people to illustrate how the relationships of drastically different people can be traced to common ancestors. It really is a small world after all.

One place Hawa really excelled was the chapters on slavery. They are heart-wrenching and beautiful.

The place that I thought this book could have been improved was in possibly hiding the conclusion from the reader a bit more, as I felt the outcome was certain right from the beginning.

All in all, a powerful book that I would recommend.